Today I was reminded of my imperfections. I mean, looking back at some of my thoughts, especially the one I entered last night on my purpose for being here, it seemed like I was something else other than imperfect. The truth is that my bedroom is cluttered like you wouldn’t believe. So is my head.
I’ve been around a long time in this program and have my thoughts about what this program is about. However I don’t think I’ve ever achieved what I think about. I’m a stumbler and a bumbler par excellence.
I was made to think about this today, when a friend from Md. called and wanted to share some problems they were going through. Hopefully I shared what they needed to hear. But when I hung up the phone I was suddenly hit smack between the eyes with my ever so imperfect morning prayers and cluttered meditation. So, I went back to renew that meditation and there it was again. Imperfections.
I reviewed my current life and found that I’m not all that bad a person, but still part of the human condition. All my faults are still around. Maybe not as pronounced as when I came in. Nevertheless still present under the surface.
So, when I find myself thinking about this program and the spiritual life my thoughts are more on the line I think they should be. That’s because when I write my meditations down I am better focused than when I’m just sitting praying or meditating.
A friend of mine often brings up the funny story a priest once told about missionary priest traveling from town to town on a mule. One day the priest came to a small country village to say mass. A little boy walked up to him, as he dismounted. The boy’s eyes were large and in awe of the mule. “Do you like this mule?” The little boy said he did. “I’ll tell you what. If you can say the Lord’s Prayer without interruption, I will give you the mule.” The boy nodded and started the prayer. “Our, Father, who art in heaven…Do the saddle bags go with him?”
My friend, I think, knows me and how I have related over time my mental interruptions in prayer and meditation. I’m that boy. But then I think about Bill W. and his article on his thoughts after he went back years later and read his essay on the Eleventh Step in the 12&12. He said he was struck with the thought that he was just a beginner. I know exactly how he felt.
What does all of this mean? Probably not much. But while I’m thinking about it, I know one thing. I’ll never stop trying. I know I’m dependent on my Higher Power and put myself into His hands. So I’m just making things clear. And I’m grateful that I can do this.