Years ago, early in my sobriety, I remember Tom my sponsor saying to me, “God forgives you. Man forgives you. Why can’t you forgive yourself?” Good question. I didn’t have an answer then. And it took time in this program and a lot of stuff to get to a point where I began to feel more light within. For the most part it’s lifted. Every once in a while I get a feeling and then have to ask for help.
Why am I thinking about all of this? It has a lot to do with sobriety.
I can remember, when I heard it a number of times from someone I respected for their spirituality, that if I wanted to forgive others it was going to have to begin with me. That I must forgive myself first. Otherwise the forgiveness wouldn’t be there.
The other day I was thinking about this. Not so much forgiveness for me, but for others. I think it was because of the Lord’s Prayer. “…as we forgive others.” Then I began to meditate on it, except something bothered me and I couldn’t put my finger on it, but then it came back to me. God forgives you, so does man, but I didn’t. Oh, that was it? Worth taking a look at.
Overall I think most of that stuff was taken care of in the Eighth and Ninth Steps. A quick survey of all of that seems not to have turned up much, but maybe in time I will find some. I think my thoughts are more on the present than anything else. I sometimes will find myself reacting to stuff and know that I’m going to have to do something about these things.
Anyway, just some thoughts on the spiritual life, as I know it. One of those has to do with caring for others and forgiving others. First forgive me. It’s not selfishness. It’s just cleaning up my side of the street, so that, if necessary I won’t be withholding some of the grace I have been given by my Higher Power.
Also I was thinking today, as I spoke at a meeting, if a clown like me, as dumb and stupid and insane as I was, when I came in, as my sponsor and old timers pointed out, can get sober and stay sober all this time, then it seems to me that others, if they want it, can do the same thing. Just thinking. Love it.