As I was thinking today, one of the words, which has come to have great meaning to this alcoholic is the word “always”. That’s because over time I have come to realize that, if I will do what this program has asked of me, I will always have peace of mind, serenity, that new freedom and new happiness, which I found in the Ninth Step. And yes, all the other promises. How often? Always.
Then I find that I go through things, which seem to black out all those things I found in here and I can get discouraged. It seems “always” has become a false word. No meaning at all. Then, when I go and talk to someone and begin to get serious and pray and ask for help, the darkness begins to lift and the sun comes back out again. That’s when I find out what is really going on.
Once again I find myself back on the subject, which is part of our sobriety. That which accompanies us through the spiritual way of life we are trying to live in here. And that is the human condition. A reminder that I’m still human and have my faults. It keeps me in a place where I can begin to find the humility I need. It deflates my ego and my self centered way of thinking. And it reminds me of Who is in charge. My Higher Power.
And, if in spite of what is going on I continue to go to meetings, listen to what is being said, I might just begin to hear what I need to remind me of why I’m here in the first place. I might be reminded that I need to stop and renew myself in the practice of these Steps in my daily life. I might also become aware that I’m still and alcoholic and that I have a disease still. It hasn’t gone away and I’m still subject to the danger of that next drink and almost certain return to insanity and death. That should wake me up and help me to renew my program and its practice in all my affairs.
It’s then I begin to experience what it was that opened the door to peace and happiness in here. That in spite of myself I am always where I need to be. That, when I forget to pay attention to what it is I need to do and find my mind and emotions tripping me up, that I begin to stumble and fumble and bumble my way into my old ways of thinking and feeling. Nothing has really changed except that my selfishness and self centered ego is back in charge again. And I need to remember what this program tells me. The spiritual life is not a theory. We have to live it.
As I think about this I am reminded of why I am here. I’m here to stay sober. I know if I practice this program I can stay sober. Always. A day at a time. And that’s what I hope I am doing.