One of the things I learned in here was the counseling my old sponsor gave me early on. And that was caring for myself. He told me that I had to put myself first or else lose my sobriety. That meant working this program so that I could stay sober. If I forget me, I’m in trouble.
Sound selfish? Of course. What’s more important to me than my sobriety? I can become so involved with others that I can soon forget who I am and why I came here. I’ve seen others, who were great in helping others get sober, but kept getting drunk themselves. When I suggest that others get to meetings, I better be there myself. When I make suggestions on working the Steps, I’d better be doing that myself.
What kind of example can I possibly be to others, if I haven’t done this program myself? And, one of the things my sponsor told me was that I needed to be sure I had this program in hand before I gave it to someone else. He was very clear on that. He said that it was one thing to pass what I had learned in here on to someone else, but that I could easily lose that before I knew it, if I wasn’t sure I definitely had it within myself. I’d better “own” it before I hand it off.
I think I’ve told this before, but I remember very well my first sponsor sending me off on a Twelfth Step call, when I was about 6 months sober. I knew, as I went on that call at the hospital, that I didn’t know what the AA message really was, except to stop drinking and get sober. Other than that, nothing. Anyway the man I was calling on was a psychologist, who taught psychology in college. After about an hour of bumbling and fumbling and him out talking me, he threw me out of the room. I got back and asked my sponsor why he had sent me on what I thought was a useless mission. His answer was that he knew that if I could win the argument with myself, I could stay sober.
I’ve thought about that ever since then. But the only reason I “won that argument” with me, was that all I ever thought about back then was that I never ever wanted to drink again. And that’s basically what I had carried into that man’s room with me. Funny thing was, the man did get sober and of all things asked me to sponsor him. It was a laugh, because I really never knew what to tell him, except to ask someone else. I was still trying to learn myself and needed to keep what I got for me at the time.
Anyway, I looked back on what I had thought about yesterday and that was caring for others. I couldn’t help but sit down today and look back at what I had learned in here, when I came in. That I had to be “selfish”, if I wanted to stay sober. Time has gone on and I know what I have learned and know that I am able to help someone else myself, without losing what I have myself. Unless, of course, I get complacent and careless and forget what I am and who I am. I must remember everyday what it is I need to do to stay sober. It always begins with me.