As the holidays approach there is always some excitement, some form of tensions, which arise. For some of us there is the threat of that next drink involved in some of the celebrations. Good reason for all of us, whether we feel the pressure or not, to remember why we are here. To stay sober.
One of the things I know, as we talked today, is that I must always remember that I’m an alcoholic. I have a disease for which there is no cure. The fact that I’m sober and not drinking does not take away the threat of that next drink. The BB has already told me something I experienced for myself. That there may come a time when I will have no defense against the first drink. It states any effective defense. It tells me that except in a few rare cases no one can help us but our Higher Power. I was fortunate when it hit me that someone suggested I step outside and say a prayer. I did and it worked.
But I know how much I have to pay attention to the fact that I am an alcoholic and that I need to be aware and practice this program. I can remember very well what happened. I was totally unaware. There was nothing threatening going on. I wasn’t even thinking about a drink at the time. And then suddenly without any thought or warning I wanted to drink so badly that I thought I’d kill anyone who got in my way. And that’s when I got the help I needed. I have to think that it was my Higher Power working through this person, because the thought of the spiritual life was not there within me at the moment.
I’m not immune. Never will be. However, except for that one time, I have never really thought about a drink. The spiritual awakening, the restoration to sanity, is very real in my life. The insanity which drove me into this program, as far as alcohol, has been placed in a neutral zone. Yet the rest of what was wrong with me, the alcoholic mind and all its faults and defects is still there. And that’s probably what hit me back then. It’s is not all that clear, but I do know there are still things, which can come into my mind, my emotions can get control of me. Especially anger and resentments. I know I have heard of others that just being excited could be very dangerous.
Yet one of the promises of this program has given me something I never had before. Peace and serenity. That came with the restoration to sanity in the Ninth Step. And when it happened I had stopped fighting everyone and everything, even alcohol. It was for me a miracle. And I know that is always available if I will stop and do what it is I need to do. For instance I know I have gone through days, when everything was caught up in confusion and distress. And when I did what my sponsor and others told me to do I got better almost immediately. I was told to stop and start my day over. And when I would do that I would find that peace and serenity.
And the question is how do I start my day? I know that I need to be aware at the beginning of everyday that the reason I am here is because I am seeking sobriety. That’s number one. I have to do all the things I was told to do. To begin my day with prayer. And for me that first prayer is the Third Step prayer. There are other prayers. And just as often I know that I have to go to a meeting, if it’s possible. It’s there that I am reinforced and often calmed by listening to others as I was told to do. And sometimes by sharing myself with others just like me.
I know that most of us have things we feel we need to do during this season. I can remember I was working in Washington for a huge firm, who always held a large party at one of the hotels. We were all pushed by our executives to show up and be part of the celebration. I knew before I went what I was going to do. I would walk through one door, shake hands and greet all of those in front of me, and walk out the back door. Later, the next day or so, people would come up and tell me how pleased they were to see me there. None of them could remember anything about me. All they remembered was that I was there.
The truth is that I’m really glad I’m an alcoholic. Happy as a matter of fact. I would never have found this way of life if I wasn’t. It’s been a miracle as far as I’m concerned to be here and be sober and have all the benefits which comes with it. I never want to lose what I have been given. I never want to drink again and that’s the truth. And I know from the experience of others I never have to drink again, if I will do what I was told to do. Work this program on a daily basis. To realize that I need all the help I can get from others like myself in this program. I can’t stay sober by myself. And I’m glad I can’t. I love this program and hope that I will be able to stay as long as I need to.
All this I know is due to my relationship with my Higher Power and all those who have helped me and continue to do so. I really am grateful and hope that I can return what I have been given to others.