For the most part this turned out to be a day of sharing. First there was someone coming back at the meeting and everyone was sharing their experience, strength, and hope. Then there were a couple of long calls, where I had the opportunity to mostly listen. Had the feeling I was in the right place. Given gifts.
It still amazes me how I feel in a lot of these situations. I don’t know how those who are sharing with me feel. I know how I feel, usually after we’re finished. I have this sense that I have been given a gift. I feel like I have for some reason been rewarded. I never know if anyone gets anything out of my part in all of this. But I know I did.
Both in the meeting and in those calls I spent a lot of time just listening. When I look back I have this thought that it was like I was in a meditation. Even contemplation. Something very spiritual. Almost like a long prayer, if there is such a thing.
Made me go back and think about the long form of the Fifth Tradition, which begins with the words, The group ought to be a spiritual entity… I’m almost sure that not many think of this at the time, but once in a while it hits me. That’s what we’re supposed to be. Even in those moments of personal sharing. Sometimes, while these are going on, something will hit me and remind me of what I have learned in here about the Twelfth Step, where I have the opportunity to put these spiritual principles into practice.
It definitely reminded me of why I am here. I’m here to stay sober a day at a time. I’m to stay in the day and not drift off to the future or get into projection. That can lead anyone to disaster. I definitely don’t want to go there. Not that I haven’t got caught up in my emotions and thoughts about what’s “going to happen”. Like I have a clue. I need to stay where my feet are in place. Anytime I want to drift forward I have to remind myself to look down at my feet to where I’m standing. That’s where I am and no place else.
Projection for me is dangerous. I’ve seen where it’s taken others and I don’t want to go there. I sometimes am reminded of a barroom down in NY City, where there was a sign over the bar stating Free Drinks Tomorrow. And, of course, when the alcoholics showed up and asked for a free drink they were told that this is today and not tomorrow. I’m sure that drove some of them crazy. The owner must have had a twisted sense of humor.
Also reminds me of my thinking. That which got me in so much trouble over the years. It still can, if I let it and depend on just my thinking and don’t share and let others know where I am. However I know that once in a while that old ego pops up and takes over and that’s when I can get myself in trouble sticking to what I’m thinking and not what others are. I can’t tell how many times this kind of process has led to anger and resentments. Very risky.
Anyway I knew what those people who had called me were thinking. Thankfully it led to getting back into what we practice here in the program, which has brought us into peace and happiness, as a result of getting sober and practicing these principles. About the person, who was coming back? Hard to know what they were thinking. Judging from their expressions I don’t think it was too much of an open mind. But then what do I know?
I just thought that when I got a moment to myself I would stop and run this stuff by myself. And just as I was thinking this the phone rang and that’s what the conversation was about.
Self analysis, projection, wandering off into the future, and other stuff. Things I’m very familiar with. Need to remind myself to continue to share with others and to back off from my wanting to control what’s going on. To pray and ask my Higher Power for the help I need and turn these things over. When I do I find hope, peace of mind, a sense of freedom and certainly serenity. I know I need to be grateful for all that I have been given.