A number of things have been running through my mind today. One of them was the meeting, where we had two Steps to talk about. The Fourth and the Ninth. The others were people I have known in here. And another was a quote, which keeps bouncing up into my mind. And, of course my Higher Power and the spiritual way of life.
In some ways I have to laugh at the Fourth Step, because my first venture into that Step came three months after I came into this program. That was because I was filled with guilt and remorse as a result of how my drinking had affected my wife and children. Not so much any aggression on my part. It was the sins of omission that weighed me down.
That guilt I felt about my non participation with my family still comes back from time to time. And the Fourth Step. How often something will come to mind suddenly from my past and I have to do that and the Fifth with others from time to time. Never really done. And that plays a big part in all of these Steps for me. I find myself having to go back to this one or that one. But that’s okay with me. It’s fine. I believe that’s what this program is about. Practice.
And then there was the Ninth Step. That’s the Step, while I was practicing it which brought up the Second Step again and the Twelfth. The restoration to sanity and the spiritual awakening. I can never forget that one time I was making amends and immediately after I suddenly found myself relieved of all my resentments in my life. And I knew then exactly what the BB said about that we had stopped fighting everyone and everything, including alcohol, for by this time sanity will have returned. The relief from the insanity of alcohol. I had been placed in a position of neutrality with alcohol. And that is to me the spiritual awakening.
There was not only the grace I was given with my sanity, but the promises. Just like the BB told me, there they were in my life. A new freedom and a new happiness to begin with along with the rest. The peace, the serenity, the intuition, and much more.
And today I was reminded of people I have known, who couldn’t seem to get sober and stay sober. That came up in a conversation with a friend. And suddenly I remembered a couple of the same things in the past. I remembered someone telling me that they were in rebellion and never felt they could ever surrender to this program. Then they went to sleep one night and the next day they woke up and the fighting within was all over. They said they almost didn’t know they had surrendered. They had changed and felt the same thing about the restoration to sanity I had experienced. A spiritual awakening.
In fact I remembered one man, who came into the program and was aggressive and really almost out of control at meetings. He expressed how much he hated this program and that he would never give in ever. Then one day we were sitting at the meeting and we heard a man speaking, who was gentle and serious about his program. Then the shock hit us all. It was the same man, who was so angry before. He had that experience where he had gone to bed and awoke in a state of surrender. He spoke about it. Took a lot of humility and that was the way he was right up until the day he died. A wonderful man to say the least.
And that brought back to mind what that old timer used to say about the importance of having a positive attitude. He used to give an example, which I need to remember. He said that suppose one day you woke up and the sun was shining and it was a beautiful day. Then he said that you feel wonderful and go on and enjoy that day. However the next day you wake up to the same kind of day as the one before, but you’re angry and feel miserable. His question was what changed? The answer of course was my attitude. And the solution was for me to change my attitude from negative to positive.
That’s using what my sponsor used to say. To think with my head and not my heart. The intellect over the emotions. And by turning to my Higher Power I get the help I need. The strength to do what formerly I wouldn’t or felt I couldn’t. The Second Step and the Third. And of course the Eleventh.
Anyway, just thinking about sobriety and being grateful.