Today I had to step back and say what was on my mind. Why did I come here in the first place? I came here to stop drinking, to get sober and stay stopped. That was the only reason. There was none other.
I didn’t come here to improve my life, although that’s exactly what happened. I didn’t come here to find a job or make the one I was in any better, even though that happened. I didn’t come here to improve my relations at home and with others. But in a lot of ways I did. I didn’t come here to improve my mental or physical health, although that happened also. And I definitely did not come here to live a spiritual way of life. No way.
Even though I didn’t know I was an alcoholic, because I had no idea what that was, I really didn’t come here because I was one. That was something I found out after I got in here. I just needed to stop drinking, which I couldn’t. My drinking got so bad I could no longer stand it or live that way anymore. In fact I was actually going to kill myself, because I couldn’t go on this way anymore. And that’s when a man told me there was a place where men and women met and stayed sober. They didn’t drink anymore. He actually gave me hope, because that’s what I wanted. I was willing to do anything, if I could actually stop drinking.
When he first told me this something happened which was startling to me. I had no idea how black it was inside of me until, when he said what he said, suddenly a bright light went off inside of me. I’ve always believed that light was hope. The first real hope I had had in all the years I was drinking. I had lost hope a long time ago in my drinking years. In fact I was lost totally and drowning in despair.
The next thing that happened was to me a miracle. That night I prayed for the first time in many years. The result of that prayer, when I look back on it, still amazes me. I had not thought about the God of my understanding in years. And all of a sudden I found myself begging him to stop me from drinking. I promised him if he would do that I would do whatever he wanted me to do. I fell asleep and when I woke up the next day I didn’t think about a drink, I didn’t want a drink, and I didn’t drink. In fact I didn’t notice that was what was going on. It wasn’t until that evening when I all of a sudden realized what had happened. For the first time in years I was free from alcohol. To me that was a miracle. In fact an alcoholic at a meeting one day, who knew my story, told the group I had had a spiritual awakening before I came in. And five days later the man, who had told me about the meetings of these people, took me to my first meeting.
I haven’t had a drink since that time. Ever. I don’t ever want one ever again. That’s my primary purpose for being here. I know I have received all kinds of benefits as a result. But none of them were on my mind from the beginning. Just never drinking again was what drove me in here and it’s still my primary purpose. Anything else is a gift I never wanted or expected. And that’s a lot.
Took me time to put this program into action. I was hard headed and determined to do things my way. But my sponsor and those old timers knew better and they turned my mind and my life around. They showed me what I had to do, if I wanted to stay sober and live a sober life. They were perfectly willing to help me with ego deflation in depth. Often something humiliating. Which I know today was exactly what I needed. It was an introduction to the virtue of humility. Not much, but enough to help me to begin to surrender and start living a spiritual way of life.
In here I learned that the spiritual life is not a theory. I, we, have to live it. I don’t know how I am doing with this, but I do know that I’m still here and I know that I depend on a Higher Power today for all I need. That doesn’t mean that I’m free of my human faults. They still pop up when I don’t want them to show. But they do. Over the years I went through a lot of difficulties, but I never quit, even though that wasn’t easy. But the people in this program, along with my Higher Power got me through these tough times. After all I dragged all my junk in with me when I came here. No surprise.
Of course I know I have been restored to sanity. Sanity as far as alcohol is concerned. The spiritual awakening talked about in the Steps and the BB. The spiritual solution, which is also talked about in the BB. I always think about Dr. Jung and the young man in the chapter There Is A Solution. Never want to forget that reading. The answer.
Today I know I’m not the man, who came through these doors. I’ve changed. Or I like to think I was changed. I really can’t take credit for what has happened. I just am grateful and I pray that I may continue to stay sober and do what is necessary to maintain this way of life. I can only say I am grateful that I was able to come here and not drink again. Like I said, that’s why I came here.