One of the things, which pops up from time to time, is the subject of fear. Whenever I hear this a couple of things come to mind. My own history with this and the solution for me. I say for me, when actually it’s a universal solution for all alcoholics in this program.
I can guess where the person, who brought it up is on this. It’s a universal problem for alcoholics. Regardless of what we say we believe or not, fear is nevertheless a big thing. Especially after we stop drinking and come into the rooms. I can remember a number of things back then. One of them was paranoia. I was filled with that at the beginning. I had this awful scary feeling. If I saw others talking together I would believe they were talking about me. Especially, if they were laughing together. Gave me the creeps.
There were other things which would cause me fears. One of those came with driving on certain roads where I lived. Fear of people at where I worked. I even developed this fear of death. Not just an alcoholic death. Dying itself. All this I had to eventually talk over with my sponsor and others as time went on. And it did take time. I discovered through this and other difficulties that the solution to many things did not come over night. It was going to take time like they told me.
And of course the solution itself, for me anyway, was spiritual. It came to me, gradually, after I finally surrendered to the Second Step and came to believe and trust my Higher Power. But there were other things, which helped me immensely. One of those was coming to understand what I needed about my emotions. Up until then all this stuff was just words.
Finally my sponsor got his point across, when he would tell me that I needed to think with my head and not my heart. At the same time the old timers in the meeting were constantly repeating “I” over “E”, the intellect over the emotions. To stop letting my emotions control my thoughts and my actions.
Over time I have come to not just understand about the effect of my emotions on my life, I began through the Steps and readings by spiritual writers to change. And as I changed so did the effect and control of my emotions. They lessened. And, to some extent they are not as powerful. For the most part they really hardly ever get in my way. That came from the practice my sponsor and others gave to me. Especially fear.
However there are times, when they will pop up and begin to take over again. Usually when I’m overtired and totally unprepared. When my mind is wandering off in all kinds of directions. In fact not too long ago I reacted in a totally dumb way, when I was surprised by friends of mine. And it was fear, which instigated my bad reaction. When I finally got the rest I needed and stopped and thought about it I could see what happened. And it was a lesson my sponsor had tried to teach me. Never make a decision at night. Because that’s what I had done. And, of course, it was the emotion of fear. which had governed my decision.
I know that the reason this subject of fear and other powerful emotions is so important is because from my own experience of watching how it affected others has made it’s impression on me. They drank again. Fear, anger as a result, and resentments, and other things drove a lot of them back to the bottle. And a great number of them died as a result.
That’s why I came here. Not to drink again. I want to stay sober for the rest of my life. I owe this program and these people in here, like my sponsor and some of those old timers, for helping me to change and to be aware of my problems with myself and what I can do about them and how to do it. And of course my Higher Power, who can and has helped me through so many rough times.
And that’s why meetings are so important to me. Like today, when so many responding at the meeting brought up things which reminded me of what I needed. Especially why we are here. Our need to practice these principles in our lives. The need to share with one another. A number of times the spiritual solution was mentioned as well as the Steps. Especially the Twelfth Step. I’m definitely grateful for what I have been given in here. I’m sober today because of this.