There are periods of times in this program when we all suffer from ourselves. I mean early on in a way. I was watching and listening to a young man going through this at about six months sober. He was questioning the word “bottoms” and whether it’s necessary to have one.
One of the things, as I listened to him and others responding to him, which struck me was how much like me he sounded. At least in part. I had already surrendered early on in the program and he still sounded like he was on the edge. But what I heard was what caused my sponsor to confront me. My sponsor told me that I didn’t know that I didn’t know. I only thought I did.
It hit me how much of ourselves we can put between ourselves and this program. Back at the time he’s been in my thinking was I knew what I was talking about. How I depended on my “intelligence”. My “brilliance”. How “well educated” I was. My giant ego told me I knew better than the people in these rooms. And then before I knew it I was caught in the trap of my own making and couldn’t seem to get out of it.
I had already surrendered to my alcoholism. He sounded like he was questioning that. But it made me wonder if that was the problem. My problem was that I hadn’t surrendered to this program. The spiritual side. I had resisted this and when I finally got prodded into accepting this my resistance and my rebellion began to slowly die away. My arguments with this program began to fade away. None of this was overnight. And that was another bit that I picked up from what he had said. The program wasn’t “working” fast enough.
Impatience was always a character defect of mine. I mean why did I have to wait? How crazy was that kind of thinking? But that was part of my immaturity. My alcoholic insanity. I look back at that kind of thinking and know that why I thought that way was because when I came in here I was still stuck back in my teen age years in my early forties. And that was one of the things which began to gradually change, as I worked these Steps. However, every once in a while impatience and immaturity will pop up again. I still have a ways to go.
The relief I was seeking back then early on in this program came from within, as I slowly began to turn my life and will over to my Higher Power. It took time for me to recognize just how weak I really was in a lot of areas of my life. How much help I needed gradually became apparent over a long time. As I said, time took time. My ego was still in my way. And as I write this I wonder how often that still gets me to stumble and fumble along the way in trying to grow along spiritual lines.
The bottom line for that young man is the same for all of us. And that was mentioned over and over by the members of the group. We’re here to stay sober a day at a time. It’s about not drinking alcohol ever again. And that’s the resolution I wanted to get across to him. I know it was right up front with me, as it was with the others responding to him.
However that’s all right, as long as I remember this: I have learned over time that I may tell someone else something, which they may or may not be interested in. I can’t help that. All I can do is be willing to share my story to the still suffering alcoholic. If they don’t want it that’s their problem not mine. I still need to remind myself why I am here. And that’s exactly what happened to me today.
Anyway I was glad that I had the opportunity to be there today and be part of the Fifth Tradition and the Twelfth Step. I can’t help but consider it a privilege provided to me by my alcoholism. Without that I wouldn’t be here to start with. Because of that I get to hear what I need to hear from others like myself. I am grateful and I hope my contributions, my presence, was an act of gratitude.