Once again I feel the need to stop and take the time to think about my sobriety. Today I felt the need to reinforce the thought of the importance of my being “number one” in my program. I couldn’t help but go there at the meeting today.
Someone brought up the problems of drunk dreams. I know he was disturbed, as well we probably all were at one point or more. He was I know. But, if he was paying attention, the whole room talked about their own experiences and that should tell him something for the time being. He’s not alone.
But that always brings up the notion that I’m the only one who can stay sober for me. No one can stay sober for me. That’s why I need to be aware and awake, when it comes to my sobriety. Without it I would have gotten drunk and died. I know only too well what it was like when I came to this program and never ever want to drink again.
Each and everyday, one day at a time, I need to pay attention to my staying sober. Like I was thinking, no one can do that for me. I’m the one who has to stay focused on why I am here and what it is that I need to do to stay sober.
And, of course, as I was directed by my sponsor, I need to pay attention to my Higher Power, whom I found in that Second Step. It has been a miracle for someone like me. A chronic alcoholic, who was not only powerless over alcohol, but who suffered from an unmanageable life, which I dragged through these doors with me. And it’s this phase of me that I have to pay attention to in here.
It’s this phase of my sobriety I have to look at, because it’s the very thing I can find myself tripping over in here. It’s right there below the surface in my subconscious and open to coming up and tripping me up. I know from my own experience over my time in here that I have changed and have good life. Beyond my wildest dreams. I am still alive, happy, at peace at anytime I desire, having changed from the raucous unmanageable immature individual I was into a so much different person. I am sober and have undergone so many positive changes. I have experienced a new freedom and a new happiness as the BB points out to me.
But then, being in an incurable disease that alcoholism is, I can find myself stumbling into and over me. It makes me aware that I am responsible for getting myself back on my feet and putting this program back into action in my life. Despite trying to live a spiritual way of life I’m still capable of stumbling and fumbling my way through here.
I need to pay attention the best I can to appealing to my Higher Power, as well as others like myself, to get me back on track and doing the right things I need to do to continue to stay sober. That’s why I need to remember who is responsible for my staying sober. It’s up to me. No one else can do that for me. But I cannot do that alone. Like I was thinking I need my Higher Power to give me the courage and the strength to do what is necessary to continue to live this way of life in here.
And I need to remember it’s only for today. Not yesterday or tomorrow. Right now. I know that talking to others and going to meetings is what I need to do after asking for the help I need from the God of my understanding. And often, what gets me back on my feet is working with others. How I can experience a sense of a blessing when I’m willing to do this.
Anyway I just had to stop and think about this . This idea of being number one in my sober life is not about ego. It’s about being willing to continue to change and to do what is necessary to continue to pay attention to my staying sober.