One of the things I learned from my sponsor and other old timers in this fellowship was to pay attention to what I was doing. By that I mean, keeping my mind on staying sober one day at a time.
And that’s one of the things I have to do each and everyday. Not always easy for someone whose mind wants to often wander from here to there. I often laugh at myself, when I go to say a prayer. It takes me to a painful place, because it’s really hard for me to concentrate doing this.
And that’s why I need to go to meetings. That’s where I get a chance to hear others, who remind me of what it is I need to be doing to stay sober. A reminder to me that I cannot do this alone. I always need help.
Today we were more or less talking about this. Staying focused. I know that when I have to stay focused on, say what I’m doing now, I definitely have to sit down and write what I’m thinking. That way I’m able to see what it is I’m doing. It’s right in front of me. If I were to sit down and try to think about it without writing I might find myself thinking about a dozen other things. Say a football or basketball game. Or some other junk.
I know that in meetings I can do what I need to and focus on the men and women speaking. I can really get into paying attention, just as I was taught to do way back when with my sponsor. If they are within sight I can keep my eyes and ears on what they are saying. When they are not obvious I can close my eyes and focus my hearing on their words. Again something I learned to do back early on. Took time of course to learn to listen with not only my mind, but my heart also. Like they used to tell me to take the cotton out of my ears and put it in my mouth and listen.
I know how important it is that I pay attention and concentrate on my sobriety. I’m the only one who can stay sober for me. I can accept and receive the help I need, but it’s up to me to pay attention to what I’m doing. My sponsor’s old widow told those of us close to her that it’s really important for me to place myself as number one in my life, because I need to remember what it is that I need to do each day. It’s about my being responsible for what it is I need to do each and everyday. To stay sober.
It’s not about me being egotistical. I can still be number one and at the same time try to practice the humility I need in this program. I can no more stay sober for those around me, nor can they do that for me. We can together help one another do what it is we need to do each day. And that’s part of what I need to do always. To not only take what it is I need in here in me and for me to give it away to others who need it.
Two of the Steps which were referred to a number of times today were Steps Eleven and Twelve. I know that these are two Steps which can help me focus and concentrate on what it is I’m trying to do each day. I always try to begin my day with that Eleventh Step. Praying and asking for the help I need and trying to offer myself to serve my Higher Power. But then having the hope and faith that He will help me each and everyday.
And, of course, the Twelfth Step, which always helps me more than it does the other person. At least that’s what I often think. I know that all I can do is share and that it’s up to the other individual to be open to accepting what is being offered to them. Sobriety and this program. Doesn’t always work at the moment, if the person isn’t willing. All I can do is to stay willing and give it away what was so freely given to me. Often I feel I’m the beneficiary of this.
Anyway I just had to stop and think about how much each and everyday I need to stay conscious of why I am here. To be willing to concentrate and focus on this and to practice this program in all of my affairs. The first thing always of course is to remind myself that I never want to drink again and to be willing to do what is necessary to continue to put this program into action in my life.
I always remember what my sponsor said to me and never want to forget it. He said that I was not responsible for my sobriety and that I wasn’t responsible for arriving at this program. However he then said that I was responsible for staying sober and putting this program into action. It put all of this into perspective for me. I am grateful for that and all I have been given. I need to thank my Higher Power, my old sponsor, my friends, and all those in here who have helped me.