One of the things which was so hard for me in the beginning in here was coming to believe in a Power greater than myself, which I came to term my Higher Power and the God of my understanding.
We were talking about that today. A lot of members had the same difficulty coming to believe. Like so many in here I learned that, if I was going to stay sober, I would need that Power to carry me along, where on my own I would probably not stay sober. I know the truth of that, because I have seen it over the years in here.
Both my sponsor and the fourth chapter in the BB, We Agnostics, got me to change my mind. For one thing I learned that if I didn’t lead a spiritual life I might drink again and die. Like I said I have witnessed this in others and I don’t want to go there. In fact I came here not to drink ever again. Just the miracle of my not drinking was what was driving me forward.
I know that none of us in here are present to teach others about religion or who or what a Higher Power is. The BB and others have taught me that I am to leave the alcoholic, who is looking for an answer to this, to choose whatever makes sense to them. I remember one woman who at first chose a tree. Later she said she came to believe in a God of her misunderstanding. I know others, who were non believers, who chose the program as their Higher Power.
I remember one theology professor, who said that doubt could resolve our problems, because he believed that if we still hung onto what we learned from our parents, we probably had a childish version of such a power. We needed to come to terms with our own, even it turned out to be the same. He felt we needed a mature faith, not an immature one.
Of course that was much of what my sponsor always told me. I needed to grow up. I had come into this program still an immature “child”. I tried to hide this from others, but obviously I couldn’t over time. In spite of that I finally was able to come to believe in my Higher Power and have faith and hope that this Power could help me to stay sober.
I know that after I got into this program I became aware of that “black hole” deep within me, which I realized I had tried over and over to fill while I was drinking. Always from things from the outside. It was in here that I came to believe, as it was pointed out to me, that this was a “God hole”. I came to realize that it had to be filled from within. And over time it was. That I know from my experiences in here. Spiritual, of course.
All I have to do is to look at what has occurred in my sober life, which has brought about the changes within me. I have grown in hope and faith and even love. I also learned along the way that I always need to maintain perseverance in these three. That is a practice this program and my sponsor and old timers continually encouraged me to do.
Anyway I know that I have been restored to sanity and have had a spiritual awakening(s). I look at those Ninth Step promises and know that they have not only come into my life, but are ever present, when I wish to turn my consciousness toward them. I am so grateful for all I have been given here in this program. I am always conscious how important it is for me to always be committed to staying sober a day at a time. That awareness is ever present. And I know I owe so much to the people in this fellowship as well as my Higher Power for this.