I was listening to some music tonight and I heard a song from the past playing and it almost made me laugh. The title was, “I’m going to sit right down and write myself a letter and make believe it came from you”. And for a moment I was stopped, because of that last word in the title, “you”.
And at the same time I was re-reading a story in the BB which had deeply affected my life in the past. The title? “The Man Who Overcame Fear”. I never want to forget that and how it began to help me to turn my life around. And, no, I have not forgotten the last word, “you”.
When I came into this program, with the alcohol gone from my life five days before, fear was starting to poke its head up from within me. As time went on it grew. Part of that was because in those last years of drinking fear had grown within me. The alcohol was no longer numbing it and with the control alcohol had over me and my inability to stop drinking, despair was finally taking over. I was going to kill myself. And then I got hope.
Won’t go into the source but it led me to prayer for the first time in years. And that freed me from the bondage of alcohol, because I totally surrendered to what was to eventually become my Higher Power. And so here I was in the program, bumbling, and stumbling around, until my old sponsor nailed me with the truth. I didn’t know. I only thought I did. And I began to be willing to slowly work this program and change.
Anyway, the reason for my thoughts today was, first the song. The truth is that I do write a letter to myself everyday. I’m doing it again now. But the rest of the song “make believe it came from you” stopped me. I hadn’t thought of that until today. The “you”. And I now know that would have to be my Higher Power. And, I don’t think so.
But I did have to stop and think about that man’s story. It did have a real profound effect on me, especially the page where he’s lying in bed, fearfully thinking of having to leave, when he suddenly falls on his knees and prays. And that next paragraph. “Nothing had changed…” That really reached within me once again. Makes me grateful.
Like him, I’m still sober and grateful for all I have been given. And like I said about writing a letter to myself everyday, I always want to talk about staying sober a day at a time. Whatever it is that comes up that brings me back to that part of my day. And to be reminded by my thoughts on how much gratitude I owe my Higher Power and this program. Plus all those in this program who have helped me along the way to maintain my sobriety by giving me the knowledge and directions I need. The help I cannot do without, if I want to remain sober. Anyway I’ll stop and say thanks.