Today was a reminder to us all of how we were when we came into this program. I sometimes forget the details of how it was back then, but by and large I can never forget just how inappropriate I thought and behaved.
For one thing I had a great and hopeful first meeting in this program. I entered the room where the meeting was being held and I felt I had come home for the first time in my life. And then I listened to all the people in the room who spoke and was filled with great hope.
But from then on my huge ego took over, as well as my crazy negative emotions. I also discovered later on that I had huge walls around me inside and would never let anyone near how I really was. And that was that my life was one of a young teen, although I was already in my early forties. Not mentally. Besides I was also, like so many today, on the edge of insanity from my drinking and living the way I did out there.
Fortunately for me, my second sponsor, challenged my thinking. He was able to point out to me that I was way off base and didn’t know what I so desperately needed to know. I found that I had to put all the junk in my head aside and open my ears and my heart and listen to those who knew what they were talking about. How to stay sober a day at a time and what was required to do just that.
I knew what he was saying was true, but it was difficult for someone like me to change my thinking and my wanting to be in charge. To be in control. Like a friend of mine always said, he had to give up control and get out of the driver’s seat and go to the back of the bus. Not always easy for someone like me and others like me.
However my sponsor introduced me to the Second Step and that began the change I needed. I came to believe in a Higher Power and slowly started to begin to lead a spiritual life. And that led me to the rest of the Twelve Steps and they led to the changes I needed, if I wanted to stay sober.
All of this was not an over night event. Like they say in here, time takes time. And I found that out over and over again and again. My stumbling over my faults. Taking two steps forward and bumping into myself and taking a step back. Back and forth over time. But eventually the changes began. I found myself restored to sanity, as far as alcohol is concerned. I experienced that spiritual awakening. I was blessed with all these promises.
I never want to forget how I was able to admit that I was just like everyone else in this program. I always laugh at myself, when I find that my old faults pop up and I am once again trying to take control. I can’t help it, because it is the perfect thing I need to wake me up and get me back on track in here. I never want to drink ever again and I know that means that I have to be able to depend on my Higher Power and the people in here to help me stay sober. I’m still learning.
I can’t do this alone. And I’m grateful for these meetings and the God of my understanding and the members of this fellowship, who are willing to help me along the way. I always pray that I may follow their example and pass along what I have learned in here to another suffering alcoholic. The Twelfth Step. Faith, hope, and compassion, and being able to persevere despite myself. Beyond my wildest dreams. Thanks.