Talking to a friend of mine this day I was reminded of myself and a whole lot of people like ourselves in here. We were talking about guilt and fear. However what we were really talking about was a solution to all of this.
I know when I came into this program that both of these, fear and guilt, were occupying my mind. These were the reason I went to Step Four when I was about three months in the program. Remorse and guilt were driving me at that time. And, of course, fear played a big role in this. By myself I couldn’t handle these at that time. Fortunately I got some relief and never thought of a drink as a solution.
However, here we are much later along the line in here. And this is where I have to look at what’s in someone like me and my friend, which can take over and steer us in the wrong direction. Of course, fear and guilt. Two desperate emotions which do our thinking for us.
And here is where we began to deal with the solutions. Of course they’re spiritual in nature, but really common sense, if I stop and think about them. First of all, though I might be trying to practice a spiritual life in here, I know I’ll never be a saint. I’m still a human being with all my faults. That’s one thing I know I have to look at and accept. And to compound everything, I can top it off by conceding that I’m also a chronic alcoholic.
So, here I am with all my faults, which I’m bumping into and stumbling, though I’m aware that I have changed for the better. Yet the first thing I know I have to do is to remind myself that I’m here to stay sober one day at a time. I also have to remind myself that I have to remember that I’m not into tomorrow today. I’m just here where I am and no further. Once I find myself drifting down into the future I’m really headed for trouble.
Once I have settled who and what and where I am, I next have to stop and remember to do what my sponsor and those old timers reminded me I needed to do. And that was to stop my day and start my day all over again. I was told to withdraw and step aside into a room, where I could by myself kneel and ask the God of my understanding to relieve me of the bondage of self. The next thing is for me to change my attitude from negative into positive, put a smile on my face and carry that to those I’m meeting and involved with.
And, of course, next is to go to a meeting, and at least talk and share what is going on with me and how I’ve tried to change. I know from my experiences that going to meetings have always helped me to change my attitude and to relieve me of the junk I have been carrying around with me. So does sharing with another sober alcoholic with whom I have dealt before.
Then there are the facts I need to learn to face. The Serenity Prayer is one of them. To remember I cannot change anything or anyone. The only one I can change is me. And I need all the help I can get to do that. But I have to be willing to do that. And also, as the prayer points out, I have to ask for the courage to do that. Yet how often I have resisted change. I still wanted to think I could run the show. A definite alcoholic thought for sure. And the truth is I have to learn to let go and let my Higher Power take over.
I also need to remember to never let anyone burden me with things and others I not only don’t need to be involved with, but need to really avoid. When I find myself feeling guilty that if I don’t, especially, if I have checked it out with a sponsor or a truly sober person I have learned to trust, I need to learn to step away. If possible to get to a meeting.
Finally I need to go to the Tenth, Eleventh, and Twelfth Steps. To check myself out and see where I am, to pray and ask for help. To quiet myself within and be willing to help another new individual coming into these rooms. Like the Ninth Steps points out, the spiritual life is not a theory. We have to live it.
Anyway, I had to stop and think about all of this tonight. It’s just a reminder to me of why I am here and what I need to do to stay sober today. Makes me grateful that I am able to do this today.