Today the subject was perfect for all of us. The response was positive for each and everyone of us. Not bragging in each individual case. It was an expression of gratitude. And the subject was wants and needs.
Every time I run into this as a “subject” I think of the woman who wrote Freedom from Bondage. She said she didn’t always get what she wanted, but she always got what she needed. And when she got what she needed she found out it was what she wanted all along.
I know that the same has turned out to be true in my own case. When I came in here, the first thing I wanted was to never ever drink alcohol again. Through the goodness of my Higher Power I got what I wanted. But in other things I came to want in this program it turned out to be not what I wanted so much as what I needed.
And what I needed were the changes in me. What I wanted was things to go my way. My way obviously didn’t work. But by doing what I needed to do in here I got what I needed. And the surprising thing about that was I wasn’t prepared for what I found coming into my life. Yet when I stopped and looked back at these gifts I could see not only that I needed them, but it turned out to my realizing that these were things I eventually wanted.
For instance, even though the Second Step talks about being restored to sanity it wasn’t something I really thought about seeking. And yet when it happened, when I stopped fighting everyone and everything, including alcohol, I was surprised. And when I found out how it changed me I was grateful. At the time it happened I was trying to get done with an amend, where I was angry, irritated at the man I was making the amends to. And yet when I finished I suddenly realized that the anger was gone and all my resentments in my life had suddenly dissolved. And at that moment I suddenly realized what had just happened. It was amazing. I have never forgotten that moment.
Eventually I began to learn something in here. Exactly why I was here. I had come in hoping to stay sober. And that is what has happened. But something else essential to someone like me who wants to stay sober had to take place. And that is what has happened. I have changed from what I once was, an insecure, immature, and oversensitive individual and found myself at peace, happy, free at last, and beginning to fill with compassion for others like myself, who need this program. Sobriety.
Probably all this was due to the fact that what I didn’t seem to want is exactly what I got. Like I said I didn’t ever want to drink again, but I really was trying to avoid what the members of this program were talking about. What was in the BB. A spiritual way of life. And yet there I was, finally looking at what my sponsor saw that I needed. The Second Step.
What I wanted was my way. That was the insane immature alcoholic I was. What I had dragged into this program with me. But my sponsor knew exactly the direction I needed to go. The one he and so many others had gone themselves. I needed to recognize that I had no power. I desperately needed the strength I didn’t have, if I wanted to stay here. I was going to have to find a Power greater than myself and come to surrender and depend on a God of my understanding. What I have come to know as my Higher Power. And, despite my oversized ego, I have found that I could cut that down to size and surrender to something beyond myself.
I think when it comes to wants and needs there is the answer. A spiritual way of life. Like it was said that I didn’t get what I wanted, whatever that was, but I got what I needed. I got the help I so desperately needed. The strength and power I needed to continue to stay sober, by hope and faith in my Higher Power. And when I got what I needed I found it was what I really wanted all along.
Anyway the meeting today brought all of this to mind and I had to sit down and think about all of this. I am so grateful for what I have been given. A way of life which has changed me into a person I would never have recognized in the past. What I was in the past is not here now.
I also recognize that though I have been around a while, I’m still learning. And I know I will be learning the rest of my life, because I’m still an alcoholic. I will never be cured of this disease until my life is over. Hence I need to pay attention, because I now know that I’m still human and will find myself being pulled back into my faults. I will stumble and need to stop and change once again. I am not going to be a saint. It’s in the BB and I have been told that by those who know. I have to learn how to pick myself up, when I find myself bumbling, and brush myself off and keep on keeping on. And never take a drink. Ever.
Anyway I needed to stop and think about staying sober one more day and be grateful for all that I have been given.