Today I was reminded of a lot of stuff I have gone through in here. I was talking to a friend of mine and we talked about so much that it brought all of this back to mind. How human we really are. All of the our old stuff which we dragged into the rooms with us. Things which one way or another are still around.
There was no doubt in our minds that we are still human. No matter how far we may think we have gone. I know that I still have a long way to go. I always remind myself that I will never stop learning unless I forget why I am here.
Both of us went back to the Doctor’s Opinion and what he said near the end of that. About the man, who seemed so sick and hopeless, who when he returned to see him after a year or so, had changed so remarkably. The Doctor said that he hardly recognized or knew the man. He was such an improved human being. I think we both wanted to be just like that. I know I did.
Both of us had the same ending to our drinking. We both surrendered and prayed to the God of our understanding to help us to stop drinking. And He did, almost immediately for both of us. A truly spiritual awakening before we even came into this program. I know others who have told me that’s what I had. Anyway, when I came in I literally forgot that happened. It was only when I finally began to accept the Second Step that it began to come back into my memory. How could we ever forget that?
The fact of the matter is that what was wrong with me was still there. I mean the physical side of this disease was arrested. Not cured, but stopped. It was the human side of this disease which would never be arrested. The mental, emotional, and spiritual side of me that was so obvious to all around me. My immaturity, insecurity, and, what I would term, my insanity. And it was that stuff which kept getting in my way and running my life. I can only be grateful for my Higher Power, my old sponsor, and all the people in this fellowship, who supported me and helped me to get through most of this over time.
I know that no matter how long I stay sober I still have to be open to learning what I need to know. And I believe that is a lot of things. I know that it will be that way, like I said until the end of my life. That’s how long this disease will be with me.
I have and I know I still will find myself stumbling over my old faults. Though I know that I’m supposed to be living a spiritual life, I know I will never be a saint. The BB and extremely spiritual people have told people like myself that this is what it is. I’m still a chronic alcoholic and I have pretty much a forgetter. Maybe not as quick as it once was, but it’s still there.
That’s why I tell myself I need to take moments in each and everyday I am here to focus on exactly why I am here. I’m here to stay sober one day at a time and that is going to require me to try to practice these spiritual principles in all of my affairs. I may have surrendered to my being powerless over alcohol one hundred percent. However the rest of this program has my ego getting in the way of it a lot. Imperfect. Less than one hundred percent.
Anyway I just had to stop and remind myself of why I am here once more. To stay sober a day at a time and not to go forward or backwards, but to stay in the moment. To try to get the help I need and in turn to help others in need. One way of expressing my gratitude for all that I have been given.