Had a long talk with a friend of mine in the program tonight. We went over a lot of things, but something I had found a common problem came up. In fact I could go back in time and see myself there.
I can remember when I was involved in a number of things, trying to organize my life and get it back on track. Maybe even for the first time. Especially in sobriety. And what that leads to. Forward and backwards. Not in the present. Not today.
Over time in here I know that the lack of sainthood, because we’re still human, but especially because we are chronic alcoholics, it can lead to all kinds of downs within in us. Focusing on the future and our expectations can pull us down into all kinds of negativity, anger, self pity, anxiety, and even despair.
The worst part of this kind of thinking, despite even trying to be faithful to the program itself, is that we’re not really right here where we’re standing. We’re off somewhere else. The personal commitment to this program gets lost. We can’t see the truth and that opens us up to a really dangerous place for an alcoholic.
The first thing I had to be reminded of was what my old sponsor told me a long time ago, that when I’m in a situation like this I have to remind myself to start my day over. He handed that to me that I needed to take a moment by myself, if possible. I needed to appeal to my Higher Power, and turn myself over to changing what was going on within me. Getting rid of my negative emotions. Ending my negative attitude and replacing it with a positive attitude. Or, as he often told me, pick yourself up and dust yourself off and keep on keeping on.
In other words to stop and to begin to practice these principles in all of my affairs. Part of that would be to do what was being done. Talking to another alcoholic and sharing. And, if possible to go to the next nearest meeting and sit down and listen. To renew myself in this program and remind myself to focus on why I am here and what it is I need to do to continue to stay sober.
How often I sometimes remember back a long while ago I would find myself feeling the weight of the world on my shoulders and I would go to a meeting. I would walk in and sit down feeling lower than I could ever imagine. As I would sit there I would become aware of something happening. Slowly but surely I could feel the weight on me lightening up. Gradually I could breathe more freely. Negative thoughts began to dissolve. And when these meetings were over I would rise up lightened. I would have almost forgotten why I felt the way I did, when I walked in.
Just another reminder to me that I cannot stay sober by myself. I need everyone who has helped me over time. I look at my Higher Power, my old sponsor, my longtime close friends in here, and those alcoholics around me, who have supported me through time, and think of how much thanks I need to pass out. Just thinking about this does renew my thoughts about my staying sober a day at a time. I never want to ever drink alcohol again. Thanks.