Had to go back in time today in my memory, because the topic raised an image from back then. The topic was brought up by someone who was worried about and alcoholic they couldn’t seem to help. And that was a reminder.
Back early on in my sobriety I was trying to help a man who kept slipping back in and out. Nevertheless I kept going back and picking him up and taking him to meetings. Often he was irritable and had a rough time dealing with what went on in our groups. Along the way my old sponsor told me I ought to drop him and become open to others who might be more welcome to what this program offered them.
Nevertheless I kept trying to help him. One day, after he had stopped going to meetings I went over to his shop. When he saw me coming he picked up a crowbar and came after me in a rage. Fortunately his son, who was a big man, grabbed him and pulled him back and told me to leave before his father got loose and hurt me.
When I told my sponsor what happened he just smiled and shook his head. He told me I was fortunate that I didn’t get hurt. Then he smiled again and said that he would have dropped this man, as he told me to do. Then he said, that I would never know, because he might have done the same thing I did. Then he laughed again.
Eventually I came to learn what that Serenity Prayer really as saying to me. The things I cannot change. And what’s that? Really about everything. But when it comes to alcoholics, who aren’t sure or don’t want to accept what we have to offer them, I definitely will not be able to change their minds.
The only people I can help I have found are those who want what we have and are willing to go to any lengths to get what we have. Pretty much what I learned myself. But back then I was still suffering from thinking I really knew. I had forgotten what my sponsor had told me. That I didn’t know that I didn’t know. I only thought I did.
I had to learn as others did in here that I had to rid myself of what I thought was true and to begin to learn what really was the truth. That was because of my faulty and twisted thinking I had learned and practiced out there drinking alcohol. It’s what I dragged through these doors with me when I stumbled into these rooms. That and my immature oversized ego.
I desperately needed to drop everything and start all over again. I needed to get an open mind and an open heart and begin to listen to what I needed to hear in here. Very slowly I did begin, but I learned that time takes time. Eventually I did start to gradually open my ears and very, very slowly even my heart.
And once again, as I always need to do, I go back to what my sponsor helped me to do. He was the one who got me to surrender and begin to practice that Second Step. I can never forget what that did for me. It opened the spiritual life in here for me. It gave me not only hope, but it helped me to grow in faith in my Higher Power. That was the beginning of this program for me.
Over time I have definitely come to understand how this disease worked in my life and how I came to stop drinking and how I came into this program and began to follow directions I so desperately needed. And like my sponsor told me I was not responsible for my getting sober and coming into this program. And then he told me I was responsible for my staying sober and my working this program in here.
It once again reminded me of how grateful I am for all that has been done for me in here. My life has changed like I can hardly believe. First of all I still have a life. I should have been dead a long time ago from this disease. And yet I am still here. Amazing. A miracle. My life has totally changed from what it once was. I am happy and for the most part at peace.
However I do know that I will have this disease to the day I die. There’s no cure. But I can remain sober by doing this a day at a time. I also know that I’m still human and though I’m supposed to be leading a spiritual life I still have my faults and I can find myself stumbling over myself. I need to stop and start all over again and keep on keeping on, like I was told.
I am grateful for what I have been given by my Higher Power and all the people in this fellowship. I need to always say thanks. It really is beyond my wildest dreams. Wish others could come to understand that.