Someone reminded me of an important statement the other day. Pain is the touchstone of all spiritual growth. Nice to be reminded, because I know from my own experience how true this is. It was true back then and still true today.
I was suffering from my drinking alcohol, but didn’t know what was going on at the time I was going through all of this. Only gradually over time did I become aware of how much suffering I was going through. I had tried many times to stop drinking alcohol, but never could. If anything it was getting worse as time went on.
Finally I reached a point one day, when I could no longer go on drinking. All at once I could see within and without how much alcohol was destroying my life. I sank deeper and deeper into despair, because I knew no way out of drinking. I knew nothing about alcoholism. I don’t even think I was familiar with the word. And I reached a point where I could really not go on any further and decided to end my life right then and there.
I really, like probably a lot of others, had no idea what was really going on. I know after I came into this program that for the first time I heard that word bottom. And that’s where I was. I was hitting my bottom. After I was in here a while I remember going to the 12&12 and reading the First Step and the discussion of the importance of bottoms. And the emphasis in that Step of the need for pain to cause us to become willing to stop drinking and getting sober. In fact it literally tells us that it’s the pain which convinces us we need to stop drinking and get sober. But more than that.
And what’s that? I really didn’t know at the time. All I knew was that I became willing, in total desperation, to ask my concept of God to take the alcohol away. And that worked. It was gone the next day and has never come back. But because I had no idea about this program, all I had done was stopped drinking. Nothing else, except maybe hanging around in the program. And that’s what I did until I was told I needed to do more than that.
That brought much more pain, because I now didn’t have alcohol to kill it. And what was the pain? I found I had to once again surrender. This time to become willing to start to live a spiritual way of life. Not an easy decision, but when I found out that if I didn’t I’d probably would go back to drinking alcohol again and then die. I had already faced death and I never wanted to drink again, so in total desperation I surrendered.
Slowly, over time, I began to realize what that statement above really means to someone like me. Pain is the touchstone of all spiritual growth. Those two experiences definitely prove it to me. My stopping drinking and my becoming willing to start to work this program and grow along spiritual lines. To come to believe in a Higher Power and to stay sober, the restoration to sanity.
But it was pain that really got my attention. It forced me to make decisions I had avoided. First out of ignorance and then out of my ego, my pride. Not wanting to do things someone else’s way. In this case my Higher Power’s. And yet it did for me what I could not do for myself under my own power.
There have been other moments of pain in here. Usually the result, as I said, of my pride and my ego. Surely not as bad as those first two, but nevertheless enough to catch my attention and help me to make up my mind to do the right things, like working these Twelve Steps in my life. The need to continue to practice these spiritual principles in all my affairs. Not always easy, but nevertheless necessary, if I want to remain sober.
However that’s not all I have learned. I learned that by doing what I found I so desperately needed to do, that I have always been rewarded with the great gifts everyone of us in here can have, if only I will do what I had once resisted. Like the Promises in the Ninth Step provided me with. That began with a new freedom and a new happiness, peace and serenity. And so much more.
Of course the Spiritual Awakening. I also learned that I was given a way of life I never had ever considered before, because I was totally ignorant of it. I know that I had once studied this, but had lost it over time. It was only when I was rescued from myself and the alcohol which owned me up until then.
Anyway I had to stop and think about this because it is part and parcel of this way of life I have been provided with. Beyond my wildest dreams. Hard to believe, if I hadn’t been awakened by that pain within. I am so grateful for that and never want to forget all of these. They have helped me change my life for more than just the best.
Just thinking about another sober day. And like I said grateful to my Higher Power, my old sponsor, those old timers back then, and all those in this fellowship who continue to help me be able to continue to live this way of life.