One of the things I was thinking about today is something which has helped me to stumble and to go on in spite of myself. And that is the Eleventh Step. Especially meditation.
I know that after I finally got involved with the Second Step and the spiritual aspect of this program I began to read about and attempt to practice meditation. Not an easy action for me. I would seem to be making headway and then find that I seemed to be lost. I would often try to intensify my practice of these and then withdraw and step away from trying to practice these. Just what I would call my stupid thinking back then.
I’m sure I could have sought and received guidance, if I had tried. But, of course, that was not something I practiced. I was fortunate that I had a sponsor and would try to follow his directions and suggestions. But never really went into the Eleventh Step for advice or counsel.
Over time I have gone back again and again and tried to practice these thoughts. And then I read about Bill’s reaction to going back and reading what he wrote in the 12&12 about this Eleventh Step. This was after time it was published. His reaction was that he felt like he was a beginner. And I have often thought about what he wrote and could identify.
Yet, despite all my thinking and my faults, I have always felt this was something which was really important for me. I know that in a sense, when I stop and think about this program and what I need to do, I am in a sense meditating. Perhaps more than I believe. However I know that each and everyday that I wake up and start to say a prayer to start my day that somehow I need to follow that up with a few moments of dedicating myself to silence. Not all that long, ten or fifteen minutes as a rule. Sometimes more but that’s often determined by others around me.
Anyway I was thinking about beginning each day with some practice of that Eleventh Step. To somehow dedicate the day to my Higher Power. When I do, no matter how imperfect, I know that I somehow have turned the day over. I know that my attitude is more positive and more focused, when it comes to my staying sober. Hopefully I am able to follow that with a meeting and sharing with others like myself.
Just thinking about the part of this program which has helped me along the way. I may think of just how imperfect I am in this regard, but I know I’m at least trying to do the right thing. To focus definitely on why I am here and how I am being helped to do what I need to do to stay sober. To have hope, faith, and being devoted to the God of my understanding, who has helped me so much over time in here to change and grow into a better way of life. I am so grateful for all of the help I have been given.