Sitting there with a new man after the meeting today I had an odd feeling, as we talked. I knew exactly how this man felt and yet though I did I wasn’t experiencing those feelings. He was. I could definitely feel for him. I could remember how that was back when I came in. Thankfully those moments are past. But not for him.
Of course fear is the leader in all these terrible feelings. Fear of just about everything. I went down the list with him and he agreed with everything I said. Made me go back, when I got home to sit down and read several passages from the BB. One from A Vision For You mentions what it calls the hideous Four Horsemen. That is Terror, Bewilderment, Frustration, and Despair. All were there for me I know and I could see it in his eyes and what he said.
We talked about the guilt we felt for our families. Not that either of us had physically done anything to our wives or children. But what I call the sins of omission. Not caring for them, as I should have. Instead I was out there drinking all the time. Non stop. I wasn’t there to help or share with them. Talk about frustration and despair.
And both of us could share our experiences on how our drinking effected our work and the people around us. A horror story, as I look back at those moments. In his life too. Embarrassing and humiliating to say the least. Made both of us try to avoid all contacts as often as we could.
As we shared I tried to bring the answer into the conversation. The program and what it has done for me and could do for him. I know that all of this is a lot to be digested at this time. Fear and confusion is right up front. It’s enough to stop drinking and be suffering from withdrawal and the ache within for that next drink, despite the fact it has driven him into the rooms to escape all the pain it has given him physically, mentally, and emotionally. Even though it was many years past I can remember all of this. It’s still etched into my memory.
We talked about the being powerless and the unmanageable life we bring in with us. Despite our sharing I think that’s about all he could handle today. And yes, I do remember how that was and how confused I was. Even though I could understand people’s stories through identification. Often, if I remember correctly, the details would get lost and it ended up relating. How they got sober and the solution were beyond me. As I’m sure is true for him. Plus, like it was for me, I was scared. Terrorized. Fear of what was going to be asked of me in order not to drink.
We also talked about time taking time and focusing on the moment. Just for today.
I was so glad to see him and have the opportunity to share with him what this program has done for me and can do for him. The Twelfth Step. What a gift. For me. I hope for him too. I know I prayed before we got together today, for him and for me that I would be able to help. I can only hope.
Anyway, makes me definitely think about why I am here. I’m here to stay sober. If I can help someone else, all the better. Enough for now.