Change. Isn’t that something? I mean changing. I never ever did that, while I was out there drinking. Didn’t matter what I seemed to be doing. The truth was that I kept on drinking and that was really all I knew. Whatever else I was doing didn’t matter, as long as I had a drink. And that’s what drove me crazy. It was that: as long as I had a drink. I couldn’t stop no matter what I did or tried to do.
When I finally got the God of my understanding to relieve me of alcohol, I came here to this program. I knew nothing of alcoholism or this program. It was all new to me. And that was the beginning of change. The first change for me was that I stopped drinking alcohol. Amazing.
When I got in here the next change was I discovered, through the BB that I was an alcoholic and that I had an incurable disease. That changed my mind about what was wrong with me. And then I stopped changing. I didn’t understand this program and I guess I wasn’t interested and thought I knew what I was doing.
That kind of thinking brought about the next change. I guess I was expressing this kind of thinking, when an old timer shouted out to me to “Shut Up!”. Talk about startling. I know my first reaction was to blow my top. I got angry. He went on and told me I didn’t know what I was talking about. I knew how to drink alcohol, but I didn’t know how to stay sober. I was going to have to take the cotton out of my ears and begin to listen. And that was the next change.
As he was saying all of this and my temper was rising, all of a sudden there was this quiet thought deep within me. “This is good for me.” Or was it “you”? I can’t remember. But I know it quieted me down and I accepted what he had said. Talk about another miracle.
And then, because my first sponsor had drank again and died, I got a new one. And this is the man, who brought about the changes I needed in my life. His first was to tell me I didn’t know. I only thought I did. The next thing was to introduce me to this spiritual way of life in here. The Second Step. I can never ever forget that. I never want to. It introduced me to my Higher Power and opened the program for me and the hope of change.
And did I change? Yes. But it took a long time. I learned that this was not an overnight event. It took years. I can guess from hearing others that it was swifter for some. I had to get rid of all of this stuff in my head. That I was in charge. The fact of the matter it wasn’t me in charge. It was my emotions. My ego. I had to learn how to reduce the emotions and their effects on me. And my ego? Thank my Higher Power and those old timers who never hesitated to cut my ego down to size. And I am grateful.
The Steps and the spiritual way of life beneath them brought about a “new” individual within me. I filled the God Hole within me. The darkness was removed. The anger and the resentments were removed. Fear left me. I became open and began to form permanent friendships in here. I learned to share and allowed others to share with me. I began to put these Steps into action, especially the Step which led me to compassion, the Twelfth. The gift given to me. I could now give to others and hopefully still do.
Anyway this was on my mind after the meeting today. I know I’m still changing. Still learning. Still going to meetings. Still focusing on what this program is all about. It’s about my staying sober today. Always right now. Hopefully hanging faithfully onto hope. Following that up with faith and then love. Again, hopefully, hanging in and persevering. Practicing some kind of discipline I learned in here.
I’ll stop. I’m grateful for all I have been given. Sobriety, peace and happiness. Freedom from bondage. Serenity. Basic changes within… and without. A restoration to sanity and a spiritual awakening. Not only that but sobriety…and my life. Thanks.