One of those things I don’t often think about are these gifts we receive, which we are not aware of. By that I mean that there are those moments when something happens, which wakes alcoholics like me up. Things I was never aware of until that moment.
We were talking today about sponsors. How we need them, how they can help us to put this program into action and help us to stay sober. Lots of good responses. A lot of good examples. And as the meeting went on my mind went back to how great a help my old sponsor was to me. He woke me up and got me started. And then it struck me.
What I should never forget was my first sponsor and what it was that really woke me up and got me started in here.
Since I was leading the meeting, I knew that the leader was not supposed to interfere and bring up their own story. However, since there were some in the room, who were struggling with this, I felt I needed to say something. I did and hopefully it helped some. In fact there was feedback.
I came in here a typical alcoholic, thinking I knew everything. I had stopped drinking, because, one of the things I didn’t know was that I had had a spiritual awakening because of the way I surrendered. I never wanted to drink again, so here I was on my own.
In order to avoid those old timers in here I stepped up to a man, who was sitting by himself and asked him if he would sponsor me. He wasn’t much of a talker, but he did, after I had run my mouth a long time. I found out he had ten years in here. What I didn’t find out was that he was what I later discovered was a “two Stepper”. A man who practiced the First Step and the Twelfth. That was it.
This is when there were no rehabs back then, so Twelfth Step calls flooded the area. My sponsor was always coming over and picking me up and taking me out on Twelfth Step calls. Not that I really learned anything because he never told me how they worked. All I knew was that I was there to accompany him and then sit on the other side of the room until he was done. I later learned from another man, who had the same kind of experience that what my part in all of this was to be an example of what could happen to the man being stepped.
Anyway, the day came when he told me that he was going off on a trip, which I suspected had nothing to do with staying sober. I said something about that and he exploded and left. What I discovered was that he had deep resentments and he got drunk and then died.
That woke me up and my new sponsor, who turned out to be my old sponsor over time, stepped in and took over. He turned me around because he could read me like an open book. He told me I didn’t know that I didn’t know. I only thought I did. And, as humiliating as that was, something within me changed and I became open to do what I needed to do. And that was to work this program, which I hadn’t been doing, and to begin to live a spiritual way of life, which my new sponsor opened the door for me. I began to change.
I not only spoke of this at the meeting, but I have been thinking about it since I came home. How profoundly I was affected by the first sponsor and by my second. I should back up and say that my first sponsor did something for me. He did help me not to drink by what he was doing on Twelfth Step calls. At least he did that until my second sponsor stepped in and introduced me to this program and helped me through the years. I never can forget him and all those old timers I met in this program.
Anyway, it was a good reminder for me how I cannot stay sober by myself. I needed help and I thank my Higher Power I was given that by the people in here who were more than willing to help me. I learned so much from them. One of those was ego deflation in depth. I found out how much I desperately needed that. I am so grateful for those who had the courage to knock me off my ego deflated pedestal. I also learned how to listen and to study the literature in here. And also how serious and risky negative emotions were and how I needed to try to get them out of my life, or risk drinking again.
I’m so grateful I was reminded to go back over all of this. I need to say that I have learned over time to be grateful for that first sponsor. I’m sorry for what happened to him. But I also realize I could never have done anything to change things. They are what they are. And I learned in here I need to let go and continue to stay sober a day at a time and try to grow along spiritual lines. That’s what a sponsor meant to me.