One of the things which came to mind these past couple of days was complacency. Self satisfaction. Thinking I’m again back in charge. I know that sounds crazy to me, but I have seen it happen again and again.
One of the primary things about this is withdrawing from meetings. Figuring I know how to stay sober by myself. That the program is too simple and I’m intellectually superior. I’m okay and I’m not drinking.
It can happen early on or later on. All I know is that I have seen it happen too many times. And just as often people end up drunk again. If not they end up miserable. They fall back into the way of life and thinking that brought them here. Even sometimes they make themselves behave, but it’s like they are totally unhappy. But they never want to admit they were wrong.
That’s what helped me to stay in this program and to continue to work to change. To learn what it is I need to do to stay sober a day at a time. I owe all of this to my old sponsor and those old timers. And of course I know I owe it all to my Higher Power, who has helped me to stay sober.
One of the things I learned in here is that no matter how long I stay sober, I’m still going to have problems. Not so much with alcohol. In fact I rarely, if ever, think of taking a drink. I think that’s due to the restoration to sanity in the Second Step. I’ve been placed in a position of neutrality.
The real problems for me are all my faults, which keep coming up. Or my defects. It’s due to my being human. No matter how I may try to grow along spiritual lines I keep stumbling and falling all over myself. Not as bad as it was in the beginning. Nevertheless I know that, even though they have been moderated, as a result of this program, they are still down there within me. My old negative emotions are still present.
And that’s where I need to continue to ask my Higher Power for help. To continue to grow in hope, faith, and love in here. And to never give up, to persevere. Even though I may not always or even ever feel that I am growing spiritually. I have to remain faithful to this program. To never quit and to keep on keeping on, as my sponsor always told me I needed to do.
I need to pray and meditate no matter how imperfectly. I just need to keep on trying. I know others like myself, who are doing this and like myself they stay sober and never want to ever drink again. And that’s one of the things which keeps driving me.
Anyway I know that I need to stay away from self satisfaction and to keep moving along this path in here, as the Fifth chapter in the BB told me I needed to do. I am so grateful I have been given the directions and the help I have needed in order to stay sober a day at a time. I owe it all to my Higher Power, this program, and the people in it, who have so freely given of themselves to help me.