Last night I was alerted to the fact of how often old memories come back from my past in this program, bringing up feelings about people, places, and things. Mostly guilt feelings. Then I remembered what I was told in this program way back. Never make decisions at night. Wait until morning.
When morning came I said my prayers and then took the time to quiet things down in meditation. After that I felt comfortable once more. And that led me to think about my place in life. How often I love to feel comfortable rather than upended with things I have no control over.
Of course that took me back to putting things I cannot control or handle into the hands of my Higher Power. To have the faith and trust, the hope, that things will get better when I let go of them. The Third Step: let go and let God.
On the other hand I know that it’s up to me to do my part in placing myself in a position to be able to experience the privilege of living comfortably in this program. Having experienced it before so many times, I know how peaceful it can be for someone like me. It means that I have to be able to step aside and let go of things I was told I needed to do in the past. The need to put my intellect over my emotions. Not to let my emotions take charge and run my life and my decisions. To begin to think with my head and not my heart.
All that brings up the question of my ego. How much I need to allow myself to be cut down to size. To get that huge ego of mine out of sight. How often it gets in my way, when I find I want to control everything. My need to surrender and have the humility to do what I have been asked in here. To practice these principles in all of my affairs. To remember that the spiritual life is not a theory. We have to live it.
I also need to remember that I don’t think I’m anything close to being a saint. I’m still a human being with all the weakness still available to me. To remind myself that the only Step in this program I can do completely, one hundred percent, is the First. I can and have surrendered to my being powerless over alcohol. The rest of the Steps we will work incompletely. And I have to remember that my disease is incurable and will be with me the rest of my life. My alcoholism. So, along with my being human with all my faults, I have the rest of my life to work on these Steps the best I am able…at any given moment in a day.
All this came to mind today and yesterday after I had shared with others like myself. Chronic alcoholics, as Dr. Silkworth and Dr. Jung called us. Fits me I know. And it brought my mind back to what I need to do each and everyday. To stop and take the time to meditate on why I am here. I came here to get sober and stay sober. And I know if I will do what my sponsor and other old timers told me I need to do, I know I can stay sober. I know that I have been happy I found sobriety and this program, regardless of what else is going on. And it’s always just for now. Today.
Anyway I know that regardless of what was going on today I was comfortable. Just grateful for being here with others like myself and my Higher Power.