A new person and an error I made on this site last night have taken over my thoughts today. I’m always wondering after we talk to someone for the first time. My hopes are for them to be able to surrender and begin to take that First Step we all have to face.
Always my thoughts go back to my own experiences and what I have heard from others in here. I know the kind of pain I was in, which forced me to pray and beg the God of my understanding to take the alcohol out of my life and to help me to begin to change the way I had been living. I knew I never ever wanted to drink alcohol again. I desperately needed to get sober and stay sober the rest of my life. I can only hope that the new individual has enough pain and distress that they too are willing to surrender and get sober.
The other thing I was thinking about is what applies to our lives in here and what happens to us when we go back out. What I wrote last night were my own thoughts. A kind of meditation for me. What I considered an error was what I wrote about concerning what happens to us if we find ourselves sliding back out toward a drink.
When I came into this program I learned from my sponsor and those old timers what our recovery was about. I was told and learned by my own experience the order of my recovery. The first thing I found out which began to recover for me was my physical part of this disease. That I remember was pretty rough at times and took time. Lots of bumps in the road, as I remember. Even though the drink had been removed, as a result of my being able to surrender to my Higher Power, the effects were still there.
The second phase I was told, and again my own experience proved this to me, was what was wrong with me mentally. The alcoholic insanity, the presence and dominance of my ego, wanting to control and do things my way, whatever that was. All this was an up and down experiences for a long long time. Thank the God of my understanding for my sponsor and those old timers who supported and guided me, despite my resistance. My crazy mind and thoughts still wanted to resist. Just the way I was when I came in. Eventually I slowly began to recover and change.
The third phase in recovery I know takes a lot more time. Spirituality, beginning with that Second Step. Of course many of us get the directions early on to begin to pray in the morning and again at night, asking for support in staying sober and giving thanks later.
In fact, when I think about it, I’m still in this process even today. I think growth in this area takes until we’re done.
Again, like the sign over door into the room says, Time Takes Time. None of this is an overnight event. There’s so much we dragged in with us and so much needed to be changed physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually. And it’s only a day at a time. Nothing all at once.
However, when people draw away from meetings, something begins to happen. The process is in reverse. And unlike the time it takes to get to wherever we are, the reverse is also true. The first thing to go is the spiritual way of life. Not only was I told of this, I learned from talking to those, who had gone back out, that this was exactly what happened. And the time it took for this to happen was fairly quick.
The second was something, which took a little longer to deteriorate. The breakdown of the mental, the intellectual, and the beginning to return to that old pattern of insanity was just as true. I’ve been told it was an eventual inner decay. The emotions overtaking and overriding the mind of the alcoholic and driving them down.
Finally I heard that the final phase is physical. It was described to me as the alcoholic hanging on by their fingernails.
Does the alcoholic drink again? Not always I found out by talking to those, who got caught up in withdrawal. They described it as a dry drunk. And when they finally became aware of it that’s when they began to come back before they drank again and risked their lives. Made me grateful to hear that.
I need to stop here and say that not everyone goes through the above, who have stepped away from going to meetings. There are those I know who have never drank again. And they seem to be living a full life. I don’t understand it all, but that’s me. I can remember going with my old sponsor one evening to visit a man he had known in the program, who had stopped going to meetings for a number of years. I watched them talking while I waited, but in my mind I was “taking this man’s inventory”. Talk about my insanity. When he got back in the car and we were about to leave I gave my sponsor a rundown on my thoughts of his friend. That’s when the brakes were slammed on and he spun around put his finger at my nose. I learned another lesson that night. But, as he closed his remarks he said that he could not afford to risk trying to do this program on his own. He convinced me and I haven’t changed my mind on the matter of trying to stay sober by myself.
Anyway just running this stuff through my mind encourages me to once again think about why I am here to begin with. To stay sober. To take a quick inventory of where I think I am today. How I’m doing in this program. I need to do this pretty much on a daily basis. I know very well how much of a drifter I can become, when those thousands of thoughts which come to us each and everyday hit my mind. For me a quick inventory along the way of the day is what I need. That and prayer and meditation.
I’m always reminded by others, when I hear them, where I am in here. And I also need to stop and ask for the help I need from my Higher Power. To keep me on the path talked about in How It Works. I never want to drift away. I’ve seen that too often and don’t want to go there. I want to remember what I was told by my sponsor and all those along the line, who have helped me to stay on track. Again I’m grateful for the God of my understanding and everyone who has shown me what I have needed to do to stay sober.