Interesting thoughts today. One was tolerance and the other acceptance. I happened to think they were related and I don’t think I was the only one.
I know for myself that I find I have to put the two together when I begin to be intolerant. When I find myself slipping into my temper and facing a resentment. At that point I know I had learned about the the spiritual axiom in the Tenth Step in the 12&12. Whenever we’re disturbed there’s something wrong with us. I know that I’m forced to face the truth about myself and let the other person go. Not my business.
I know how that all used to be when I was drinking. But the truth is that I dragged all of that into this program with me. My tendency to have “self-righteous” and “justifiable” anger and resentments. Things I began to learn that I could not hang onto unless I wanted to gamble with a drink again. That I didn’t want, so I had to begin to learn how to change my mind and my emotions, which were in control, when I opened the door to them.
And, of course, that’s where the spiritual program comes in. I had to learn how to ask the help from my Higher Power. But first I had to learn to begin to hope in my Higher Power and then develop the faith I need to learn how to become dependent. After all I had already learned that my sobriety was dependent on my Higher Power, the God of my understanding.
That’s where acceptance came in. I had to learn from my actions in that First Step that I was going to have to learn to practice surrendering in this program. I really had no problem in that First Step. In fact I knew nothing about alcoholism and the AA program. All I knew then was that it was impossible for me to stop drinking and I was planning on killing myself. Fortunately a drinking friend of mine had met a man in the program the day before and was told about this program. It was he who gave me the hope I needed to try not to kill myself and to change. And that came about in my first real prayer in all those years, where I begged God to stop me from drinking…and it worked. A miracle as far as I’m concerned.
So, when I read the Doctor’s Opinion in the BB, when I came in, I accepted it. No problem there. That’s when my intolerance with this program began to come out. It had to do with, of all things (especially after that prayer), the idea of living a spiritual way of life. And today, when I look back, I think of another miracle. That was my old sponsor who enabled me to surrender to the concept of that Second Step. I had to accept a Higher Power and learn not just to become tolerant, but get out of my own way and come to believe in Him. A start in acceptance and tolerance for me.
All this did not happen overnight. It took time. But I had a start and the thing I had to learn was to find out how to deflate my ego. Well, not me so much. It was my sponsor and those old timers. I owe them so much. They helped me to learn how to get out of my own way and begin to rely on this spiritual way of life. I had to learn that I was not in control of things. I had to learn that I could not control others and things. But I had to learn to control my thinking and begin to change. That was my job.
I thought about these things today and brought them home to sit and meditate on their value and the importance of acceptance and tolerance in my life. Putting them into practice definitely had a lot to do with my staying sober. Especially when it came to my anger, my intolerance with others, and to learn to accept them and to practice learning to get along with them.
Part of that was almost begun when I came in. Without knowing or understanding what I was being directed to do I was introduced by my first sponsor to two things. One was the Twelfth Step almost everyday. Sometimes a number of times because there were no rehabs back then, nor detoxes, no hospitalization for alcoholism. So there seemed to be a flood of these each and everyday.
The second thing my first sponsor gave to me was his example. He suffered from a huge resentment and went back out an drank again. He died soon after. That was a wake up call for me. It got me to start to listen to my second sponsor and those old timers. The start of the reality of acceptance and tolerance in my life. Like I said, it took time to begin to do what I needed in this area. But eventually it did begin to work in my life and my sobriety.
Anyway it is just another reminder to me of why I am here and what it is I need to do and to practice if I want to stay sober today. In fact, as I look back on what was going on in my life I really found I had to put both acceptance and tolerance into action. I am grateful to my Higher Power and the memory of my sponsor, as well as those around me in the program today, who help me to continue to do what this program asks of me.