Sometimes I get to hear things I need to hear. They are a big help to someone like me. I was talking to a longtime friend of mine today, who told me about a long time member in this program, who said that he was not going to meetings anymore, because he didn’t have time for them. Wow! Where have I heard that before?
Here we are, listening to someone, who is very sharp, intelligent, and has been staying sober for quite a while now. But who also hasn’t been to a meeting for quite a while. I too had friends just like that, who went through the same thing quite a while back. They too stayed away from meetings, I guess because they were “boring”. But a few didn’t drink and came back to meetings and stayed in here.
I have another friend in here, a long time sober alcoholic, who has never gone away from meetings, but has an explanation for what I guess is going on. It’s how he describes himself. In a sense, me. He has always talked about his alcoholic ego. Huge. And his biggest problem, besides alcohol. Control. That’s what he had to fight with himself when he came in. The unmanageable part of that First Step. He’s the one who always tells us he had to learn to get out of the driver’s seat and go to the back of the bus. Something I think many of us had to learn to do.
One of the things I know which has happened to others, who stayed away from meetings, but didn’t drink, was the return of the unmanageable insanity. Having heard this many times I know pretty much what happened to them by what they told us. They not only didn’t go to meetings, but they stopped reading the literature over time. They stopped thinking of themselves as alcoholics, who needed help. They stopped talking to members of the program. And they eventually stopped praying and practicing the spiritual principles of this program.
I don’t have to be a genius to understand what was always happening to them out there. A lot of them did go back to drinking and some of them died as a result. Some tried to come back, but having lost the language of this program, not being in touch with what was being said, stopped coming back.
Why am I spending so much time in thinking about this? Because I want to stay sober. I’m no better than anyone else in here and know that having the same kind of mind and personality of an alcoholic like them, this could happen to me. Anyone of us.
It’s a reminder to me not to take myself seriously, but to take what I need to do seriously. Once again the inner competition with myself and others can come back and take me out. I never want to forget that ever. I need to be reminded of what is wrong with me. What I needed to surrender to, when I came in, besides the alcohol. My unmanageable life.
I also need to remember what I was told a long time ago. That I can’t stay sober by myself. I need all the help I can get. I need to go to meetings and be reminded of why I am here. I have a quick forgetter and need to be told over and over what it is I need to do.
And here is where the spiritual life I found in here comes to the front and should always be there. My need to be dependent on my Higher Power. The strength, the power, that I lack. My faith and my belief and the hope I have in the God of my understanding. Doesn’t matter
how long I have been sober in here. I’m not done until I’m done. My alcoholism, this disease, will be with me as long as I’m able to take a breath.
Anyway, once again, I’m meditating on why I am here and what I need to do a day at a time. I need to think about my sobriety and what it is that continues to help me to stay sober. And I also need to think about what it is that makes me so grateful. The comfort, the freedom, the happiness, and the fact that I should have been dead years ago from this disease, yet here I am. To me it’s a miracle. Always amazes me, when I stop and think about it. Yes, I am grateful. I need to thank my Higher Power and all those who have helped me over my time in here. Thanks so much.