Talking to another alcoholic today reminded me of how very easy it is to get upset at different times in the day. We were talking about the evening and the late night, when we seem to be at our weakest in terms of thinking and our emotions.
What I was thinking about was what my sponsor told me a long time ago. I was never to make a decision at those hours. Also I was to let troubling thoughts and emotions go. Not to get entangled with them. He and others told me that we’re at our weakest at those hours in terms of how easily we can get upset. The same with making a determination on anything.
I know I learned that I was to put my thinking, my feelings, and making decisions away at night and to face them the next day when I woke up. And all of this while practicing the spiritual way of life I was given in here. To close out my day with prayer and thanksgiving for another day sober. And, if possible, to go to sleep at peace with myself and my Higher Power.
I know how hard that was for me when I came into this program. The first thing was that I thought I really knew what I needed to do. My crazy mind was all over the place. Seemed like a thousand thoughts a minute in those days. I could hardly hear others my mind was racing so fast. Plus the fact that I was filled with fear about almost everything. On top of that my insane over sized ego wanted to control everything.
No wonder my sponsor told me that I didn’t know anything. He was absolutely right. My problem was that I thought I did. I often go back and think of how much I owe him for not only stopping me and straightening me out, but also for introducing me to that Second Step. It brought hope and the beginning of faith into my life. It also opened the door to the rest of the Steps in here.
Nothing in here came to me over night. Like our sign says Time Takes Time. I found that I was a slow learner. I needed to learn how to have patience and just learn and practice a day at a time. All the stuff that was wrong with me I dragged into this program along with me. I had so many things wrong with me that I was going to have to develop a sense of calm over time in order to get through what I had to face a day at a time.
I reminded others today about what the BB tells us what some of us might have to face at some point in this program. That was because a woman was facing having to go to a wedding where one of her old friends, the one getting married, would probably be drinking along with others. I told them that the we’re alerted to a fact I had to face about a year and a half in this program. It’s at the end of the chapter More About Alcoholism. It states that at certain times the alcoholic has no effective mental defense against that first drink. And neither he nor anyone else can help. Only our Higher Power can provide us with that defense. I was told to pray and it worked. I didn’t drink. But the insanity had come back and I almost did.
I just thought about the time that happened. It was in the late evening. Interesting. I’m thankful it has never happened again. Owe my Higher Power and what I learned in here from my sponsor and those old timers.
I know from my own experience that over time I changed and things which used to get to me at those late hours usually never does. For the most part I am at peace. I know that nothing in here is perfect, because I am a human alcoholic. My faults are still around. Not as bad as they once were, but nevertheless can trip me up. My thought about my friend is that all of what this program gave to me is available to all of us. We just have to want it and be willing to do what we need to. More importantly none of us have to be perfect. We never will be. We’re not saints.
Anyway, after the meeting today I came home and thought about what I had heard at the meeting and my friend in here. It was a reminder to me of why I am here. To stay sober today. And I know who does this for me. My Higher Power, who enables me to live this way of life. Talking to an old acquaintance of mine after the meeting we both agreed that all of this is a miracle. Made both of us grateful.