I thought I’d better sit down and think about the subject we had today. Acceptance. Listening to others as they talked about this it was obvious that it had caught the attention of everyone.
Like so many in the meeting, I could identify with concept of accepting the First Step when I came here. I had no problem with accepting the fact that I was totally powerless over alcohol. And, when I learned the rest of that Step, that my life was unmanageable, I had no problem accepting that. That. like my alcoholism, was totally clear to me.
However the rest of the program, at least in the beginning, I found unacceptable. It took time in here to break down my resistance. I know that I didn’t want to take in what was being said in meetings. In fact I was running into trouble with what I was reading in the BB. Looking back I think it was because of the fact that it was, like the meetings, bringing up the spiritual side of this program, which I had a hard time swallowing.
Another thing I found hard to accept was the concept of having a sponsor. Someone I was going to have to trust to help me stay sober. I didn’t want anyone telling me what to do. I already was not accepting, when it came to what I was hearing and reading. Yet, along the way I found myself weakening on what I was hearing and what was in the BB. I think that was because those old timers back then knew exactly what to say to me. Their approach was exactly what I needed I found out. They were polished on how to cut my ego down to size.
All of this was probably based on the fact that I was probably totally dishonest. I had no idea about what was true or false as far as my life was concerned. I had so many conflicts inside and outside of me that I had no idea of what was the truth. Also I had a great fear that others would find out the truth before I had a chance. I know I was paranoid at that time. I feared others and didn’t want them to get to know me.
I know I wasn’t the only one to express that coming into acceptance took a long time in here. It was not an overnight event. It took years to grow along an inch at a time. I think a lot of that was based on the fact that I had so much guilt within me. My sponsor once said to me that man forgave me, God forgave me, but I just couldn’t forgive myself. And it did take time. Eventually, through hope and faith in my Higher Power, I have grown in this area with acceptance.
I also had to learn to accept a lot of what was wrong with me. My thinking that I knew all about everything and no one could tell me I was wrong. My over grown ego told me I was in control. That was when my sponsor told me that I didn’t know that I didn’t know. I only thought I did. And that was the beginning of my ego deflation in depth. I began to accept the truth of what he said. I had to back off and begin to learn what I didn’t know.
And, of course that led me, with my sponsor’s help, to open myself up to accepting the Second Step in my life. I finally surrendered and accepted a Higher Power, whom I could depend upon to help me stay sober. I finally accepted the Serenity Prayer and my being powerless over so many I thought I could control. And, finally, I accepted the way this program was laid out and put it into action in my life.
From all of this I began to learn the truth about myself. That I was so filled with fear that I was incompetent and could not admit this to anyone. Over time I have accepted all of this. Through my sponsor and all those old timers I grew to not only know about myself and what it is that I can do to live a sober life that I have grown to accept myself as I am. From that I can say that I have achieved, not only freedom from a drink of alcohol a day at a time, but I have begun to find that I have freedom from a lot of trouble I had dragged through those doors with me. One of those was at least cutting down the power emotions have had over my life.
I have to stop at times an look at all of what I have been given in this program. All the promises have come true in my life. A new freedom and a new happiness. Serenity and peace of mind have been with me from time to time in here for a long time now. I know that, when I find myself getting tangled up with my self centered thinking and feelings, it is amazing what often happens. It almost seems a miracle. That’s when others have actually entered into my life and shared their problems with me. I can’t help find myself filled with gratitude.
Anyway I just had to stop and think about acceptance and how it has affected my staying sober. Fills me with gratitude.