One of the things I’ve had for others over time in this program is compassion. Especially if it is for someone who is suffering and it gives me a desire to help alleviate that. Then last night I was reading one of the books by a spiritual director and had a shock. He was talking about preparation for meditation and contemplation. He was giving instructions on how to deal with oneself and there it was. He told us that we needed to practice compassion toward ourselves.
That really stopped me and made me go back and think about my past, even before I drank. I never ever thought that way about myself. I wondered how anyone could think that way. I mean I guess I thought that might apply to others. Not to me that was for sure.
I went back and thought about what my sponsor said to me. I think I put it down the other day. He was talking to me about some things I told him. I really don’t remember what, but I always remember what he said to me. He shook his head and very slowly and deliberately said, “God forgives you, man forgives you, but you don’t forgive yourself.” But that was what this author was saying we needed to do in readying ourselves for contemplative prayer.
Why am I thinking about this? Like I said, it reminded me of what my sponsor said to me. I guess I never spend much time thinking about that moment way back then. However this spiritual director brought up that thought within me again. I had to stop and take and assessment of myself. I should say reassessment. This program and my Higher Power have helped me make so many positive changes in my life that it always amazes me. I mean to be able to experience a new freedom and a new happiness. Peace of mind and serenity. The promises in the Ninth Step. The restoration to sanity. The spiritual awakening. And yet…
Again I went back and thought about my time in here and took a quick inventory about the thought of forgiving myself. Over all I guess I have let go of some things. However there are other things I know which have showed up in my memories while drinking and for some time after I was in this program. I’m not going to go into them. I know what they are when I stop and think about it.
What I guess I’m thinking about is facing what this man said and becoming willing to attempt to do what he was saying. For me all of this is part of the spiritual life in this program. And that means looking up hope for myself. To bring faith in my Higher Power into the picture. The power and strength I need will have to come from him. Obviously I have some stuff left over and I need to begin to practice what my sponsor wanted to help me to obtain.
I had to stop today and think about this. One of the things I know I’ve had to go through since I came in are the changes within me. They were never easy. I would go through things and then find myself surprised at what had happened to help me to continue to live a spiritual life. A sober life. And here I am again and I know I have to make some changes within and with my Higher Power. And I realize that I’m in my own way. Of course that is because I’m human. I have my faults and they do pop up now and then and here they are once more.
Anyway I know all of this is positive. For me it is part of my spiritual life. What my sobriety is all about. I know I need to let go and let the God of my understanding do for me what I cannot do for myself. At least I know I have been reminded of the gratitude I have for what has already happened in my life and even being able to think about this makes me grateful.