Boredom? Dissatisfaction. I can remember way back, probably in my early years in the program, when this occurred in my life. I couldn’t understand it and I wasn’t about to ask anyone what was going on. All I knew was that I felt like I had done all I could and now it was becoming stale.
As best as I can remember, because this came up today, I think my sponsor spotted my attitude and called me out on what was going on within me. Looking back now I could understand what he was saying. My ego. My self centered thinking. My wanting to be in control of my life and not this amazing gift I had received. My sobriety.
The fact of the matter I now realize was that I had barely done what was needed for an alcoholic like me to stay sober. I really didn’t realize that the statement that time takes time is the truth. Hard to compare my years of drinking to the “short” few years in here. There still was an awful lot of my faults and character defects around. I had somehow brushed them aside. Or I was just not aware of all that was plaguing me that I had dragged through the door of this program with me.
Part of all of this was my stalling to grow along spiritual lines in here. I had started the spiritual life in here, when I finally woke up to the fact that I needed a Higher Power to help me to grow and change and stay sober. I still didn’t have a realization of what I needed to do to grow up and become the kind of person I knew I needed to become. I think I probably had told myself that I had done all anyone could be expected to do and that was enough.
I would guess that I was thinking that the responsibility of my sobriety was in the hands of my sponsor. I had done my part. What more could anyone be expecting of me? I don’t think I had a concept at that point that my sobriety was my personal obligation. The fact of the matter that I had just scraped the surface of my disease. Moreover that this was an incurable lifetime disease I had. More than that, I probably had forgotten or had not paid any attention to what the fifth chapter in the BB pointed out. That we’re not saints and that what was wrong with us was still going to be around the rest of our lives. I was going to have to work this program the rest of my life.
I think that’s about the time I began to keep a journal which went on for a lot of years, but enabled me to look at what was wrong and what was right with me. In fact I remember a number of years after I started to write these that I was beginning to slip down into a depression and began writing. Suddenly something rang a bell inside of me and I went back into a number of notebooks I had written and discovered I had not only run into this before, but actually was writing the same sentences and words I had written before a number of times. That woke me up and I began to change.
I began to look at these Steps and the spiritual program I was supposed to be living in here. That’s when I know that I came to realize how much of a dependence I had on my Higher Power. I became aware that I didn’t personally have the power and strength needed to live this sober life by myself. I needed help. I also realized how much I needed meetings and the assistance from people just like myself. I became aware I belonged and was in the right place, if I wanted to stay sober.
Anyway I had to stop and think about this today. It’s a great reminder to me of who I am and what I need to do, if I want to stay sober. Makes me grateful.