Today at the meeting I had to ask myself something really important to me. Why did I come here?
As the subjects were being discussed I couldn’t help but think, I didn’t come here for that. I came here to get sober. If I go down these roads I know I will probably be headed for trouble.
One of the subjects had to do with finances, the other mental and emotional problems. Possibly physical. I didn’t hear one accountant speak up. Or a psychologist or a medical doctor. Had they spoken up I would have to question them on what they were doing here. And certainly those trying to give advice and opinions reminded me of when others want to bring up questions about their relationships.
My sponsor and those old timers always told me that questions about my personal life do not belong in meetings. All one could expect from alcoholics, who had often failed with financial matters, were constantly bothered by emotional upsets, had the worst record on maintenance of relationships, and rarely ever went to doctors, dentists, psychologists, pastors, or any other person who might know what they were talking about. They always told me that these things belonged in the same place as outside issues.
What I learned in here was that what we need to talk about is why we are here. To get sober and stay sober under any and all conditions. It’s things we learned in the BB, the 12&12, and the experiences of those who went before us. Like I know I’m always reminded of when I look at these Steps. They’re written in the past tense, because those who went before me this is what they did. They put these Steps into action in their lives and it helped them to stay sober and change their lives for the better. It also helped everyone in here to help another alcoholic like myself get sober and stay sober, if I continued to go to meetings, because I cannot do this by myself.
This plus the fact that I have to start to live a some kind of spiritual life. To come to depend on a power greater than myself. Whatever that is which makes sense to me. The choice is always mine. That’s the way the founders were able to establish this program so that no matter what kind of spiritual or not spiritual foundation the alcoholic had they were welcome to come in and get sober. It’s up to the individual not the man next to him. We’re not here to teach others what we ourselves believe in and depend upon.
Also it was clear today that much of what was being talked about was the control our emotions can have over all of us. I know how much control my emotions had over me. All I would have to do was to look at the long list of resentments I had when I came in and those that developed early on. And that’s when my sponsor and those old timers would always bring up what Fr. Martin talked about. The intellect over the emotions. I know that over time in here I have slowly improved. My emotions no longer run my mind and my life. Oh, they once in a while will come up. I’m still human and have my faults. But they aren’t anywhere near the intensity they once had over me. I can definitely thank my Higher Power for that.
Anyway this is what struck me today. Why I really came into this program. I came here because alcohol had held me in bondage for so long and was slowly killing me and driving me insane. I came here to learn about the disease of alcoholism and what the solution was to it. The restoration to sanity and the spiritual awakening. I also had to learn how to begin to change from the kind of person I was before into someone who could change for the better and stay sober. Other fields of endeavor were not in here. They were in professional offices, churches, and hospitals. Even universities and schools if we wanted to go into one of these fields. But certainly not in these rooms.
I look back and well realize that none of these things in my life today came to me overnight. Time took time. Often a long time. I had to struggle with a lot of what I had experienced in my life as an active alcoholic. Changes did not come in a flash. I had to learn how to come to believe in a Higher Power. To have hope and faith and come to depend on him for the strength and power I did not have to live this life and change for the better and stay sober.
I am grateful that I can come home and sit down and think about this.