Today I was turned back to the past in this program. The point when I really began to change. A healthy reminder for me, because of what it said in the BB. It not only opened the door for me in here, it changed my life and helped me to stay sober. It forced me to come home and open the BB and go back and read what I often think about in here. And what’s that? Imperfections.
All this started in the fifth chapter of the BB, How It Works, the line “We stood at the turning point.” I really cannot not forget that. I was in so much confusion because of my insane thinking back then. I really didn’t want to go ahead with anything. I had already accepted the Second Step after fighting off the spiritual life until my sponsor got me to turn it around in the chapter We Agnostics. I had my second moment of surrender. I came to believe in a Power greater than myself. My Higher Power. Now I was faced with the Third Step, the God of my understanding.
And what did it say next? That “We asked His protection and care with complete abandon.” Not me. The next page, after the Twelve Steps, said it all for me. “What an order! I can’t go through with it.” I still wanted to be in control. Not only that, but I was afraid what I would have to do, if I did surrender and practiced “complete abandon”. And that’s exactly what hit me today. It talks about it in there. Spiritual imperfection. I was already past the First Step, which I discovered was the only Step we can work perfectly, if we surrender one hundred percent. And I know that’s what I did, because I never wanted to ever drink alcohol again.
Over time in here I know I have never been able to work the rest of these Steps perfectly. How do I know that? I know that because over a long time in here my faults keep popping up. My imperfections or defects have been changed. I truly have improved, but they nevertheless get me to stumble over them. I know that’s because of my alcoholic humanity. Like that same paragraph tells me “We are not saints.”
I know that I have come to accept that. I’m an imperfect human being. That lack of manageability I brought in here with me. I know that my thinking and sometimes my emotions can get me to try to take over again and control my life and everything in it. That huge alcoholic ego can get in my way and I stumble. Fortunately for me, because of my Higher Power and the people in here, I get reminded of exactly why I’m here. I’m here to stay sober. My primary purpose and that’s what this program is for all of us in here. I never want to forget that. And that’s where the restoration to sanity comes in for me. The spiritual awakening.
I know that each and everyday is what this is all about for me. To stay sober this day. And I know that’s where the Tenth Step, the Eleventh, and the Twelfth comes into the picture for me. Not that the other Steps don’t play a part, but those three keep the focus on my purpose. And that’s why I need to come to meetings, to be reminded of what it is I need to do this day. Why I stopped to think about all of this. Makes me grateful for my Higher Power and all these alcoholics in here, who have helped me to stay sober.